


Kiss me when I'm Down

by sadpendragon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode: s01e04 The Poisoned Chalice, F/M, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Post-Canon, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 15:53:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15513273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadpendragon/pseuds/sadpendragon
Summary: We were each other’s first after all.





	Kiss me when I'm Down

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mess but I spend way too much time editing it in a way I would finally like it, but it’s still not right so I might as well post it, stop stressing over it and move on to write something else. I swear it looked good in my head. Better luck on my next fic hopefully!

****It was late when Merlin heard a knock on his door, Gaius was probably still up but Merlin knew he wasn’t the type to knock _or_ visit late at night after having said goodnight. So Merlin went to open, curious, and was surprised to see a particularly nervous looking Gwen. _Not that she didn’t look some type of nervous on a daily basis..._

“Hello, I just—I wanted to talk to you,” she said.

“Um of course, come in.” Merlin gestured her inside, aiming his hand awkwardly at his bed. He didn’t really have better to offer.

They both placed themselves on the edge of Merlin’s bed, next to each other. Merlin waited quietly for her to start speaking, he could tell she was nervous, so he didn’t want to push. They sat in awkward silence for a moment before Gwen spoke, “I just wanted to be sure you were ok and…and apologise again.”

Merlin was confused, he turned towards her slightly, tilting his head, “Apologise for what?”

Gwen shut her eyes, “ _Forthekiss_.” she forced the words out. She opened her eyes again and continued faintly, “I don’t want it to be awkward between us.”

Oh. It was about _the kiss_. “It’s ok. I told you, didn’t I. Everything’s fine Gwen.” Wasn’t it?

She smiled up at him shyly, twisting her fingers together. “Great, that’s great.” Her gaze moved from his eyes to her hands and Merlin followed it, looking at her wringing hands, he wondered if it held some kind of solution to this situation. He couldn’t deny that, even though he had enjoyed the kiss, it had left something awkward in its wake.

“It won’t change anything between us. I mean,”—he continued with a blush—"sure I enjoyed it, but I don’t think we feel that way about each other, right?” He saw her lip curl up slightly at his last sentence and pushed his shoulder lightly against hers, “Right?” She smiled at the gesture and they both started laughing softly.

Gwen was visibly more relaxed but was still pensively looking down at her hands. She had looked like she agreed with what he had just said, but Merlin realised that she also looked…disappointed?

“No, I guess not.” She said. But why did she look confused? They had just cleared things… They were friends, who had enjoyed a shared kiss. It wasn’t a big deal, it didn’t have to be awkward and it didn’t have to be romantic.

_It didn’t have to be romantic…_

“But...” Merlin looked at her side profile and gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, leaving her neck bare. He waited a second, to see if she would protest, before slowly bending down and placing a tender kiss on her neck. He came back up and looked at her, her eyes slightly glazed. They shared a look and a moment later both pair of lips were on each other.

 **And so it started** , after a few soft kisses they stood up and undressed themselves slowly. Once fully undressed, they shared a nervous glance before getting under the covers. They lay still for a moment which caused them both to chuckle at their awkwardness. Merlin is the one to break it, leaning over her, kissing her again. Her moves down her neck and places gentle kisses on both her nipples, making Gwen giggle.

Merlin paused, nose nestled between her breasts, “I’ve never... I mean, with a friend back in Ealdor we got each other off once or twice but never anything further...” It felt awkward to tell her this. Would she wonder what _kind of friend_ , would she judge? But Gwen only giggled and let out a reassuring breath. “Me too. With a friend once or twice when we were younger, when it couldn’t be seen as serious. But it was only ever….simple touches.” Merlin was surprised and wondered if he knew who she was talking about…

Gwen decided confession moment was over and turned Merlin around so that she was on top, continuing their adventure.

It wasn’t romantic, but it was fun. It was all giggles and kisses, soft moans and words of guidance and reassuring.

_Does this hurt?_

_Is this ok?_

_Oh, do that again._

It was the perfect first time.

But they decided afterwards this was all this was going to be; Gwen admitted being afraid of being alone and Merlin admitted being confused about feelings, romantic or platonic in general. So a first time is what it was, but friends is what they remained.

They were both welcomed by Gaius’ knowing eyebrow in the morning and Merlin wonders, how could he have possibly thought _this_ would make things less awkward…

 

* * *

 

**Epilogue**

 

It had been a year and a half, but it was still hard when Merlin and Gwen laid next to each other in bed, like they did every night since they lost him. Tonight, Merlin took the decision to slowly turn to Gwen, he shuffled closer and gently placed his lips on hers. It felt a little bittersweet, it was the first time he did that since they had shared this bed together. Gwen was hesitantly kissing him back and after a moment Merlin could feel wetness on his lips and cheeks, a silently crying Gwen still kissing him.

He interrupted the kiss to wipe her tears away. Holding her soft cheeks between his hands, he tells her softly, “He was happy we still had each other Gwen.” and then he added more sternly (but with no malice behind it), “We shouldn’t feel ashamed… _We were each other’s first after all_.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> It's so funny to me my first pub fic is Merwen. Can you believe a year ago I was still swearing Merwen was my #1 Brotp and I didn't ship them romantically in any way? Lol. You ship Arthur/Gwen/Merlin so who were you kidding pal.
> 
> This is my first ever published fic. I'm not a native English speaker. Constructive criticism is welcome. And if anybody liked it and wanna help beta future fics, pls hit me up!


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